


Daze

by Niki



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Alien Aphrodisiacs, Community: hc_bingo, Dubious Consent, F/M, M/M, Sex Pollen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-01-04
Updated: 2013-01-04
Packaged: 2017-11-23 14:27:52
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 4
Words: 6,719
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/623172
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Niki/pseuds/Niki
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i>“In other words, yesterday never happened. For any of us.”</i>
</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> For hc_bingo prompt "sex pollen"  
> For trope_bingo prompt "sex pollen"
> 
> Warnings: Non-con/dub-con, depending on how you class sex pollen-induced sex. Let's just say some participants are happier with the consequences than others, so... Partly both?
> 
> There is now a Russian translation of the story by [Benitsubasa](http://archiveofourown.org/users/Benitsubasa/profile) available [here](https://ficbook.net/readfic/3927156).

“We will never speak of this again. There will be no reports, Shadow Broker files, or computer recordings of any kind. Okay?”

“Not filing _that_ report, Commander.”

“You think _I_ want to record this for posterity, Shepard?”

“I have already destroyed all the recordings from yesterday. The ship's log is wiped clean.”

“In other words, yesterday never happened. For any of us.”

“Deal.”


	2. Part 1: Daze

_Her skin is blue all over, the scales only visible up close, and he's not looking, he's not looking, he's not looking at the purplish nipples of her very human-looking breasts, or the way they bounce when she rides... not looking._

\- - -

The distress signal Specialist Traynor picked up was faint, and something they would have missed without her. They detoured to the tiny moon Fa'an while on their way to Lessus, and Shepard took a team down to investigate. 

\- - -

_Somehow, he'd always pictured Tali as blue. She **sounded** blue but maybe that was just asari influence? Part of him knows this is dangerous for her, being out of her enviro-suit, but he doesn't care, doesn't care, and her body is so like a human where it counts, her pale breasts as shapely as her suit promises and her waist so tiny, and her mouth is open, gasping, and she's so beautiful, sweating in exertion._

\- - -

The facility they discovered was long abandoned, though, the distress signal automated, and the first thing they did was turn it off. Shepard left Tali to try to extract any and all info from the machines and led the rest to look for clues as to the fate and whereabouts of the former residents.

\- - -

_He is so beautiful without his armour, the muscles his tight uniform shirt so lovingly frames as lovely in flesh as he always suspected, and the taste of sweat on his skin leaves him dizzy._

\- - -

Liara discovered some pads and stayed behind to read them while the men made their way deeper into the facility.

\- - -

_It should look odd, all that grey body in show, and he has never even tried to picture a naked turian before, but even he is beautiful, his alien muscles flexing with his movements and he shouldn't look, shouldn't stare, should give them the privacy their actions deserve but his hardness against her softness is so compelling he can't turn away._

\- - -

There were no bodies, anywhere, just signs of lives hastily abandoned, and Shepard asked Garrus to go through their lockers in hopes of clues, or at least useful resources. He and Kaidan headed back to see if the women had uncovered anything. 

\- - -

_He is grey all over, tinted with red and green, and his physiology seems alien at first but he seems compatible enough. His muscles move like theirs, his sweat runs freely, and all four eyes are closed in a look of concentration and bliss unlike anything he has witnessed on his face before._

\- - -

Shepard contacted the ship, asking for Javik, in hopes that his ability to read the organic traces left behind by the inhabitants would lead to solving the mystery. 

\- - -

_Her blue skin looks soft and bright against his grey, and his hands almost rough in their grip but she doesn't seem to mind, judging from the sounds she's making, from the way she's writhing on him, and the way her eyes close in ecstasy. Would they be black if she opened them? Is she joining with him in mind as well as body?_

\- - -

Tali downloaded all their research data, explaining that there might be something they could use for the Crucible, even if there was nothing to explain the mystery of the researchers' fate. Liara nodded, explaining that the pads held months' worth of data which she wanted more time to go through. Garrus came back with a few personal diaries and a new kind of weapon mod one of the guards seemed to have been working on their spare time.

\- - -

_He feels so good, hard and smooth and hot against his skin, and he needs to touch all of him, taste all of him, explore every last square inch of him, then start again, and he is right there with him, meeting him touch for touch, kiss for kiss, thrust for thrust._

\- - -

Javik looked like he thought the mission beneath him – where was the advantage this gave them over the Reapers? – but, having promised to follow Shepard, he went to work. His tone was condescending when he detailed their petty lives. 

\- - -

_There's a voice, somewhere in the background, getting more insistent by a minute. It's irritating, he can't make out the words, but the tone is demanding – worried? He realises it's the comm link, discarded somewhere with his helmet, his armour, his underwear, his shame._

\- - -

“They discovered something,” Javik said, moving to another room. “Oh!”

The expression on the Prothean's face was something none of them had ever witnessed. 

“We need to leave. Immediately.”

\- - -

_He knows it's wrong, he knows he shouldn't – they shouldn't – it is so wrong, on so many levels, but he cannot help himself, cannot help almost ripping off his armour, and Kaidan's, to get to that skin, that delicious, warm skin, and he is right there with him, tearing his armour off as well as his own, mouth and hands and body on every bit of skin he uncovers and Shepard is drowning, drowning, drowning in sensation, in the feel and scent and sound of him, of everyone else in the room, and they are so close, his leg is rubbing against Garrus' rough skin, his arm against Liara's soft back, and when he pulls Kaidan closer he almost falls on top of Javik, and it shouldn't feel so good, burn him so bright, make him so desperate, and then Kaidan is riding him, with no preparation or anything to ease the way and it hurts, it hurts him, so tight and dry, and it must hurt Kaidan as well, so tight and dry, but they don't care, they keep moving, harder, faster, and it feels so good, too good, and he should be coming but he isn't, teetering on the edge of bliss but not crossing over, and the sounds Kaidan is making against his mouth, his ear, his neck, vibrating through all his body, they drive him crazy, and the look on his face is pure pleasure and at that moment Shepard wants nothing but him, this, here, forever._

\- - -

“Why, what happened here?”

“There was an alien device... no, a substance, and it... affected them.”

“Affected them how? Is it what killed them?”

“No. Their own actions after what happened made them leave.”

“What happened?”

\- - -

_It's almost over, Tali snuggled up to Garrus, who is curled around her like a big cat, their hands still caressing each other's skin, looking like they are ready to sleep. Liara is asleep on top of Javik, who is back to looking expressionless while he stares at the ceiling, but his arms are around her, almost protectively, keeping her in place._

\- - -

“The first one affected attacked a co-worker, and they...”

“Attacked?”

“Tried to mate with them, forcibly.”

“Mate with... you mean, tried to rape them?”

“Yes. Then... then it wasn't by force anymore because he was affected as well and when some others tried to stop them... There was sex and violence here, strong emotions, shame, lust, regret. They left of their own free will, not able to stay and live with what they had done.”

“But everyone left alive and unhurt?”

“Alive, yes. Unhurt... harder to tell.”

“And is it still here, somewhere? The alien substance?”

\- - -

_Kaidan is still in him, their movements slower now, almost languorous, the most burning hunger satisfied they can take their time, now, kissing and caressing, lying between the other couples, touching skin on all sides and not caring that they can see, hear, smell everything._

\- - -

“We can't leave until we make sure this place is safe.”

“Maybe there is something on the notes. I'll check.”

“Helmets on, everyone, I don't want any weird chemicals affecting us.”

\- - -

_It feels like more than just a biological imperative when he meets Kaidan's eyes, soft, warm, hazy, filled with pleasure but also emotion. The tenderness makes his heart contract, a fluttering unrelated to arousal starting beneath his abdomen, and he opens his mouth to give words to the feelings bubbling inside him._

\- - -

“I fear... it may be too late, already.” Javik's voice was strained, as if he was fighting back something strong, and... oh. 

They could all feel it, heat building in their bodies, sweat forming inside the armours, a haze coming over their thoughts. 

There was no violence there, just lust.

\- - -

_“Mine, Shepard, always mine.”_

_“Yours,” he whispers, his orgasm like an afterthought, and curls into him, as close as he can get, Kaidan's softening cock still inside him, and falls asleep to the soothing sound of his slowing heartbeat._

\- - -

EDI found them in an abandoned computer room, sleeping, curled together in a pile like badgers in a sett, naked and peaceful. 

\- - -


	3. Part 2: Consequences

Tali gets so sick from being exposed to all of them that they are forced to reroute to Rannoch, in hopes that their own doctors can help her. 

Chakwas and Adams improvise an isolation chamber to keep her in when her suit's inner treatment capabilities prove inadequate to fight the infection. 

Garrus is beside himself in guilt, and spends his days sitting in the corner of the medbay, placed so that Tali can't see him accidentally even if she wakes up, convinced she hates him but unable to leave. 

Liara locks herself in her room and refuses to answer any communications. 

Javik seems unbothered by it all but refuses to address the issue when Shepard forces himself to approach the subject. All he wants to talk about are the Reapers, and defeating them. 

Kaidan is avoiding Shepard, or at least that's what it feels like. The only time he sees the other man is at meals, or in the crew quarters, surrounded by other people who make any kind of conversation impossible. 

He wants to ask if he's okay, if he hurts as much as Shepard does, physically, because he'll be damned if he goes to ask Chakwas for medi-gel for his ass. 

He wants to ask if he meant what he said because Shepard knows his words were not caused by the alien influence in any other sense that it stripped off his inhibitions and all the – very good – reasons for not saying them in the first place. 

Being taken over by uncontrollable lust was one thing, being in love with the man quite another, and that he has been for... well, years. 

He can hear the husky voice murmuring “mine” in his ears when the tries to sleep, and he wants to hear it again, wants to feel that again, wants so much more, and if that... thing robbed him of a chance of ever having an actual relationship with Kaidan...

They are all distracted, and the rest of the crew are bound to notice. They know something happened down on the moon, something bad. They know Tali is fighting for her life, and are only starting to suspect that it's more complicated than that. 

Liara spends most of her time in her room anyway, and Javik hardly cares about socialising, so so far they do not know the extent of the problem. 

Shepard wants to hide in his cabin, too, but he can't, he has to be the captain, he has to worry about the war, even though all he wants to do is be a teenage girl and cry on his bed because the boy he fancies doesn't fancy him back. 

If they need to deploy, he'll be forced to go into action with James and Javik because Garrus won't be any use in the field and Kaidan... Kaidan doesn't want to be that close to him.

It shouldn't really hurt as much as it does. They haven't even talked about it once, not after the group discussion where they agreed to pretend the whole thing never happened. Shepard didn't mean he wanted to pretend _he and Kaidan_ never happened, just the public and uninhibited nature of the act.

Maybe he should try more. Ask EDI to inform him when Kaidan is on his own, or bite the bullet and ask him to come up to his cabin. But how can he reassure the other man he is not about to attack him the moment he walks in through the door? He can't even promise that to himself. 

He misses their conversations, on getting the other man's opinions on the situation, on their choices, just spending time with him, relaxed and non-judgemental. 

Hell, he misses his conversations with Garrus and Liara, too. It feels so much more like his time on the Normandy when it was still a Cerberus ship, in the beginning, before he knew who to trust, spending time in his cabin, trying to get the civilians to respect military protocol.

It was lonely then, too. So goddamn lonely. 

He sends a message to Liara, asking for her to talk to him; her cabin, her terms, any time. He hesitates much longer with Kaidan's note... and how long has it been since he had to do this instead of just showing up in the observation deck where Kaidan spent most his off duty time, preferring to work on his reports in the peace and quiet. 

That done Shepard leaves his cabin, feeling like he's escaping, and refrains from checking his messages on his omnitool the minute he steps into the lift. He's not really that teenage girl, waiting for a sign his crush knows he exists. 

He makes his way to the medbay decisively, deciding that three days is enough moping for all of them.

Garrus is sitting in front of the secure bubble, and for a moment Shepard takes that as a hopeful sign. Then a worried-looking Chakwas tells him that she was forced to place Tali in medical coma so that she'd even survive until they can reach Rannoch and her people. 

“You do know it's not your fault?” Shepard asks Garrus, cursing the inadequacy of his words. 

“How could it not be?” the turian asks quietly. “I ripped her off her suit, Shepard. With no thought to her safety or opinion.” 

“You weren't exactly yourself.”

“Just because your... madness was with a person you have mutual affection with...”

“We... uhh... haven't actually talked. Since. He's been avoiding me,” Shepard admits quietly, and Garrus turns to look at him for the first time. 

“Oh. I'm... sorry. I thought...”

“Yeah, me too. Obviously. So... none of us were exactly ourselves. None. She was as eager to get out of that suit herself, Garrus. We were all victims, and not of each other, but of the... the alien thing down there.”

“Do you really believe that? Then why aren't you talking with Kaidan?”

“Touché. I fear he will not see it that way. I'm afraid of finding out he's... wary of me. That he'll blame me because... yeah, I've wanted to...”

“I can't claim that the thought has never crossed my mind before.”

“Really? You and Tali?”

“Just me, Shepard. Just me.”

\- - -

He makes his way to the Bridge, next, forcing himself to walk like everything is normal, nodding to Traynor in passing. 

“There are unread messages on your terminal,” she says, cheerily, when he passes. 

Usually her updates make him want to remind her that he can see the pretty flashing green light perfectly well himself, thank you, but this time he's been afraid to look for it.

“I'll read them in my cabin, thanks.”

Facing EDI is harder but at least Joker doesn't seem to know anything because he wouldn't be able to not comment on it if he did. As it is, he's just worried about Tali, and pushing the Normandy to her limits to get them to Rannoch as soon as possible. 

“How's Tali?”

“Chakwas has put her in a coma,” Shepard says, quietly. “She... might not have much time.”

“What the hell happened to you down on that planet? I thought her suit was supposed to keep her safe!”

“There was a... breach. Some alien substance that affected us all. It was... bad.”

“Liara isn't answering any of my messages. Was she hurt, too? Or was she really offended by the head tentacle thing?”

“She was hurt, yes, kind of. Look, it was traumatic for us all. It will take a while for us to get over it, so... just give her time?”

“Done. How about you, Commander? How are you doing?”

“Struggling with the... consequences of what happened down there,” Shepard admits quietly, glad that someone cared enough to ask. He's so used to being the one who has to solve everyone else's problems he isn't used to opening up to anyone but being cut off from the few people who do talk to him like a human being is proving surprisingly stressful.

Unread messages on his terminal. He tries to tell himself it'll just be an update on the War, or a message from an old friend reminding him that others are working towards the same goal, but... But he wants it to be a reply to his carefully worded message so bad...

“I should go,” he says, and flees. 

\- - -

_“I need time, Shepard. I will let you know. Liara.”_

_“I'm not sure that's a good idea. Kaidan.”_

Well. At least he tried.

\- - -

Admiral Shala'Raan boards the Normandy to help transfer Tali onto one of their ships as the ground facilities are not up yet. Shepard can feel her accusing gaze on him.

“I told you to take care of her,” she says, departing. 

“I'm sorry.”

“What happened?”

“She was exposed to an alien atmosphere and... five of us, without her suit.”

“What the hell happened, Commander?”

“An alien substance took control of us. It was... traumatic for all of us, but for Tali...”

“Very well. I will let you know how she recovers.”

“We're not going anywhere.”

“Commander, there is still a war on. One soldier cannot halt it all.”

Harsh words, but he can't refute them. “Can Garrus go with you?” he asks, instead, and Garrus' head snaps up from where he has (not been) sulking in a corner. “I don't want her to feel we abandoned her.”

“Any of her friends are welcome to stay,” Raan says, more politely than Shepard expected. 

“Shepard...” Garrus says. 

“Go,” he interrupts his friend. “Make things right. We'll be back to pick up both of you as soon as we can. I promise.”

He lays his hand on Garrus' shoulder for a moment. “I don't want her to wake up alone.”

“I understand.”

\- - -

He feels crushingly lonely after they leave the ship and only hopes that Tali will pull through, will not blame Garrus, and will forgive all of them for doing this to her. And maybe... maybe work things out with Garrus. Maybe there really is something. Or could be something. 

Out of habit he finds his steps heading towards the observation deck and he has to remind himself that Kaidan won't be there, won't be anywhere for him, and pauses, noticing he's standing next to the memorial wall. He hopes to gods he doesn't believe in that her name will not be added to it. He traces Legion's name, then touches Thane's, fleetingly, thinking about all the friends he has already lost, all the unnamed people that are dying at the moment, and feels guilty for dwelling on his personal problems. 

Still, he walks to the port observation deck and, unsurprised to find it empty, sits down by the window and stares into the stars, trying to find the peace Samara once radiated into the room. 

He rests his forehead against the glass and closes his eyes. It's the nightmare all over, surrounded by death, whispers of people he's had to leave behind, and he can imagine Tali's voice added to the whispered chorus of the dream.

He deserves a moment of weakness, a moment to drown in the pain he has to bury every day, to feel crushed by all the responsibility heaped on his head. Just a moment, and then he'll collect himself and go be the Commander, go solve other people's problems, go win the goddamn war. 

Just a moment... and if his eyes are red by the end of it, who will care?


	4. Part 3: Healing

There's a sound of a door opening behind Shepard, and he struggles to find the strength to straighten, not wanting any of the crew to see him like this. He's cursing himself that he didn't go have his breakdown in the privacy of his cabin when he hears the sharp indrawn breath behind him, and turns to see Kaidan standing frozen in the door way. 

“I'm sorry, I'll be...” he says, sure the other man will exit without a word, but he takes a step closer, eyes taking in his dejected expression, the red-rimmed eyes, and comes to a stop a few steps from him.

“Tali?” he asks, quietly.

“Tali. Garrus. Liara. You. Me. Legion. Mordin. Thane. Ashley. My mother. Your father. Earth. Palaven. You name it, it's there.”

“Are you... will you be okay?” He sounds so careful, like a stranger, like he doesn't want to but is forced by politeness to enquire, and Shepard turns his head to rest it against the window again, letting the cool material ground him.

“I will be. I always am, aren't I? Commander Shepard, not even dying can stop him from doing his duty.” _You don't need to bother_ , the bitter tone seems to say, and Shepard waits to hear the steps as Kaidan walks away from him, one more time. 

He doesn't expect him to sit down on the floor next to him. 

“I'm sure Tali will be all right,” Kaidan says, quietly, but with a more personal tone. 

“I hope so. Garrus is killing himself over the guilt.”

“I can't blame him.”

“It's not his fault any more than hers. He is as much a victim as she. We are all victims,” he whispers, broken and hopeless.

He doesn't expect the sharp intake of breath, or the sight of the other man curling down on himself, the movement visible from the corner of his eye. 

“I'm sorry,” Kaidan gets out in a pained whisper.

“Not your fault any more than his. Or hers. Or... mine.”

“No, I... I feel so guilty because I... I had wanted to... so long, Shepard, so damn long, and I can't know that isn't the reason I wasn't able to resist it!”

Shepard turns to look at him in shock. “Do you think Javik was harbouring any such designs on Liara?” he asks, quietly. “Do you think he wasn't trying to fight it with everything he had? Do you think Garrus would ever have let his attraction to Tali rule over his worry for her health? Do you... do you think I would ever have wanted to... to hurt you so fucking much...?”

Kaidan raises his head to meet his eyes, and Shepard raises his hand to touch his cheek softly.

“No guilt,” he whispers. “Not for this. Not because of me. _Please._ ”

“I shouldn't have...”

“You did. I did. And... there are parts I... really, really don't want to forget.”

Kaidan swallows. “Like?”

“Like finally telling you...” 

“Yes?”

“That I'm yours,” he says, simply, encouraged by the fact Kaidan seems to be feeling guilty for quite another flavour of things than he thought. 

Kaidan looks incredulous, then, slowly, a small smile finds his way on his lips. “I... quite like hearing that.”

“Good, because... It's not something I can really change. Even if we can't get over this.”

“I think... talking about it is a good start. And before you say, yes, you're right, you've tried, but I... I have been so afraid,” he admits, and of course Shepard understands – he's been right there with him.

“Me too,” he replies, and pulls Kaidan's face closer with the hand still resting on his cheek.

The other man comes willingly, and they share a light kiss, light years away from anything down on Fa'an. Shepard rests his forehead against Kaidan's – so much better than the window – and smiles as well. 

Kaidan wraps his arms around Shepard, and pulls him slightly closer. Shepard wants to tell him he loves him, but knows it's too soon. They have so much to work through first. But at least he now knows that they both want to. 

\- - -

There's a ping on his omnitool and Shepard sighs, then pulls back enough to check the message. He has been ignoring his duties for long enough.

“What is it?” Kaidan asks, worried, when he sees his expression.

“It's Liara. She's finally ready to talk to me.”

“You should go,” he says but keeps his arms around Shepard.

He raises his eyes to look at Kaidan. There is no censure on his face, just worry for their old friend.

“I know. Would you... stop by my cabin later? I've missed you,” he admitted quietly. “I need to go over some mission briefs and I'd love to get your opinion on them.”

“Of course,” he replies, and smiles. “I... I've missed you too.”

\- - -

Shepard hesitates before opening Liara's door. The message had been short and to the point with no clue to her mental state, so he doesn't know what to expect. 

He doesn't expect her to be in the middle of work, and starting her report right away in a detached, almost harried manner, so reminiscent of how she had been on Illium, after he came back form the dead. 

Maybe he should have expected it, then, because hadn't she been stressed then, too, and recovering from a traumatic loss?

Then he realises her work-like report concerns the alien substance. 

“Whoa, slow down, Liara. How are _you_?”

“Dealing. As I said, I have been collating all the reports I could find about any relevant subjects, and compared it to Javik's findings, and...”

“You've talked to Javik?”

“No,” she admits, and a first glimmer of sadness appears on her voice. “I'm basing it on what he said back there.”

“Okay, go on.”

“We experienced no violence,” she says, her eyes on a data feed in front of her. “Just... lust. The substance is not unknown. It is called “XC-238-7569” and encountered occasionally on areas suspected to be Prothean ruins. Of course, as we now know, they are more likely to be something else, something older, something we have no record about.”

“There are other documented cases?”

“Yes. Some have been dismissed as a crew on a remote post just going crazy from isolation or substance abuse, and maybe some cases are, but there is enough to come to some conclusions.”

“Go on.”

“Exposure to XC usually leads to... well, frenzied mating, but on some occasions it leads to violence instead or in addition to that. The reason for that is... well. To put it on layman's terms, if there is underlining attraction, the infected individuals experience mutual lowering of inhibitions and fulfil their desires. If the desire is not mutual, it can lead to aggression or, as Javik described, sexual assault.”

“So you're saying...”

“That if we had been down there in any other combination of crew, the result might have been much … worse. But as it happens, we all had... an outlet for our need. You and Kaidan, Tali and Garrus, and... apparently, Javik and I,” she finishes quietly, and Shepard understands her long silence now. 

Must have been a hell of a shock to her.

“I hope that means Garrus and Tali can get through this, then. Do you think your information would help them in the process?”

“Maybe. Does it help you?”

Shepard rubs the back of his neck nervously. “We... sort of came to the same conclusion on our own,” he admits. “We're... working on it.”

“I'm glad.” She smiles when he says it, just a little, but it's there, so he thinks she really might mean it.

“Are you going to talk to Javik?” he asks almost hesitantly.

“I... don't know. I mean, I will, but... I don't know if it will be about this. Shepard... can we sit down?”

He nods, and she leads him towards the sleeping alcove, surprising him by sitting on the edge of her bed while he takes a chair. 

“I'm sorry I kept you out,” she says, and now her tone is vulnerable. “But this... I had never been with anyone before this,” she admits quietly.

“You know I had... a massive crush on you when I first met you? But that was never... physical. I was in awe of the Prothean knowledge in your brain, too, but it was more than that, it was curiosity and admiration to the strength of your mind to handle it, of meeting a human so unlike anything I had thought your race would be. But I never... wanted. And then... there was Feron. By the time I recognised my feelings – so unlike anything I had ever felt before – it was already too late. Or maybe too early. He had suffered so much in the hands of the old Shadow Broker, and I didn't want to take advantage of his vulnerability. And now... this.”

“Hell of a thing.”

“Indeed. I was... of course I was fascinated by him, he is a Prothean! But to think that there was – is – an underlying physical attraction. In the haze of... of lust I never even thought about melding with him. It was _all_ physical, and that's not how it goes with asari! We never... or hardly ever... get any pleasure of the purely physical act. That just confused me more because it really was like... an alien thing had taken over me.”

They sit in silence for a while, Shepard having no idea what to say, for once. 

“Thank you for telling me, Liara. You know I care a lot about you. If there is anything I can do...”

“You're doing it. Thank you. It's good to talk to someone besides Glyph for a change.”

“Any time. I mean it.”

“I know. Thank you, Shepard. I know I still have a lot to process about this, but I am... making my peace with it. I don't want to lose sight of the fact that it isn't Javik's fault, that he was... well, violated, as much as me. Even if the tool was our bodies, it wasn't willingly. Anyway, I should get back to work. I've been trying to locate our missing researches to find out what happened to them, but it's quite challenging with the war.”

“I'll let you get back to it, then. I'm glad you're doing better.”

Liara rises with him but stops by her computers while he continues to the door.

“You know what is one of the most difficult things to come to grips with?” she asks, quietly.

“Well?” Shepard asks, turning by the open door.

“That it felt good,” she says, flushing a pretty shade of purple even as she grins.

“Oh yeah.”

\- - -

They don't let Garrus even close to the clean rooms of the hospital ship but are kind enough to relay information and, later, messages.

“I'm so glad you're here,” Tali's note says and a weight is off his shoulders.

“I didn't know if you'd ever want to see me again,” he writes. “But nothing could keep me away.” _From you_ , he adds in his head but doesn't dare to commit it to writing. 

When she walks out of the door in her repaired suit he feels like he is seeing her for the first time. She looks alien, distant, but also so very known and beloved. 

“Ready to take on the Reapers?” he asks instead of all the out-of-character soft words that want to spill out.

“I was ready yesterday,” Tali says, and her voice is grinning. “When can we leave?”

“The Normandy will be back tomorrow, they need to dispose of some Rachni first.”

“Without us? How rude!”

He laughs with her and she comes to stand next to him.

“I'm... sorry,” he says, not wanting to destroy the mood but needs to get this sorted out.

“Don't you dare. Just promise that the next time there will be less aliens in the room, and maybe a mouth wash or two before.”

“...next time?”

“Unless, of course, you don't want to.”

“Hell yes.”

\- - -

 

“I have a proposition,” Liara says, walking into Javik's room in the cargo bay.

The Prothean doesn't reply in words, just turns to look at her. 

“You know how the asari procreate?” 

“Yes.”

“Then you know that if we were to have a child it would be an asari, but... something of the Protheans would also live on.”

If he was a human, Liara would expect him to say something to the tune of “Are you out of your tentacled head?” but Javik has never reacted to anything the way they expect so she decidedly doesn't expect anything. 

“I am not in search of a mate.”

“Nor am I. I already have one. I have just been thinking about it. We've already been physically intimate, and, knowing the nature of the alien substance that means we both had an underlining attraction to each other, regardless of our conscious feelings. So I am proposing taking the... final step in asari intimacy, of melding. I will share my mind and you will share yours, and as a result... your race will live on, in a way.”

“Are you proposing this because you wish to get into my mind?”

“No, if I wanted to get into your mind, I would propose melding for the purpose of sharing information.”

“Your proposal... intrigues me. I will have to think about it.”

Liara nods, and walks away. That was easier than she expected. 

\- - -

“I feel sick,” Shepard says, leaning back on the sofa. “I ate way too much.”

“I thought that was commentary on my cooking,” Kaidan replies, smiling.

“Only the bit where I admit I wasn't suppose to eat this much”

“That's what you get for eating like a quarian for days. I swear, the amount of food that ended up in your mouth from you plate...”

“I didn't realise you were paying attention.”

“Shepard, I am _always_ paying attention to you.”

And that brings them right back to the thing they are not talking about. 

“Okay, I think we need to... talk,” Shepard says.

Kaidan nods, but looks away.

“I want to us to get over this,” Shepard says. “So that we can... be together. You know I... I want to have that, for real.”

“Me too, Shepard. Never doubt that. I just wish...”

“Yeah, me too. But... think of it as a drunken hookup?” Shepard suggests, grinning.

“Some party,” Kaidan says, dryly, but looks more relaxed.

Shepard smiles, and leans towards him. Kaidan meets him halfway for a kiss. It starts as light as the one in the observation deck but soon deepens as their bodies remember what they've already had, and Kaidan pulls him closer, leaning back until he is lying down on the sofa, and they are panting into the open-mouthed kisses, grinding their bodies together, and the hunger is blindingly similar to XC but... purer, somehow, because Shepard can think and not just feel.

“Too fast?” he asks, hands under Kaidan's uniform shirt, mouth against the racing pulse on his neck.

“I think that ship flew days ago,” Kaidan replies, pulling at his shirt to get to the skin underneath.

“Want to do this right.” Shepard's voice is muffled as he can't quite bear to raise his head off the delicious skin he's licking.

“Feels right to me,” Kaidan says, then gasps when Shepard bites down on his neck. “Damn right.”

“You know, there's a bed right there,” Shepard murmurs against his neck, but doesn't make a move to get up, and as he's on top...

“Yeah, okay,” Kaidan mutters back, and shoves at him until he moves.

They use their new vertical position to get rid of their clothes, cursing at boots, fingers catching on buckles and zips, and then they're falling on the bed, naked and desperate.

“Are you still sore?” Shepard asks, fumbling for the lube on his bedside table.

“No, you?”

“No. Do you want to...?”

“Yes, fuck, yes,” Kaidan replies, dark eyes searching his, and Shepard shivers at the intensity, the need in them. 

“I doubt we'll manage it both ways without the XC,” he says. “Do you...” But before he even finishes the question, Kaidan says, “Fuck me,” and he doesn't need to be asked twice.

He's tight, and Shepard feels guilty for taking him without any prep before, but... but he was taken, too, and the only thing he remembers is the overwhelming pleasure and none of the pain until later, so he bites down the guilt, and concentrates on making it better, this time.

The sight and sound and feel of Kaidan, writhing against him, moaning in pleasure, eyes closed to an expression of ecstasy on his face is almost enough to make him lose his head, but he bites his lip, letting Kaidan fuck himself on his fingers until he feels loose and ready, and only then does he slick his own length and enters him in one long move.

Kaidan goes still beneath him, then, slowly, starts pushing against him, and he starts thrusting, slowly, carefully... for maybe half a minute before the pressure and the heat and Kaidan's moans drive him crazy, and he speeds up almost without noticing it. 

He won't last long, it's too good, it's too much, but he wants it to go on, even if he knows – hopes – it won't be the last time. He remembers the moment, down on the moon, when he felt at peace with the whole world, wanting nothing but the moment with Kaidan to last forever, and he experiences something similar. Everything makes sense as long as he has Kaidan, and he wants to give him everything, make it so good he never wants to leave, never wants anyone else but him.

He grabs Kaidan tighter by the waist, then turns them around, lying on his back with Kaidan on top of him, and it's all him, now, he can choose his own rhythm, and he does, bracing himself against Shepard's chest and fucking himself on his cock with shameless abandon.

“I love you.” Shepard can't keep the words in anymore, he's too beautiful, it's too beautiful, too much...

Kaidan opens his eyes, meeting his, and smiles, slow and wide and happy. “Love you too.”

“Mine,” he says, moans, gasps, back arching off the bed, fingers digging into Kaidan's skin to keep him in place, and he is increasing his pace, and then he's coming, they're coming, their moans mixing into each other, and Shepard is glad he has his own floor because they are loud, and this time his orgasm seems to blow off the top of his head, unlike the almost dreamlike finish down on Fa'an.

They end up on a sweaty heap on the bed, gasping for breath and clutching each other close. Shepard drops soft kisses on any part of Kaidan he can reach, overwhelmed by the happiness and love he feels. 

He feels almost grateful for the alien substance now, not knowing if he'd ever have had this without it. And especially now that he knows the others are okay, or at least dealing, with the consequences, so he doesn't even need to feel guilty over his thoughts. Liara will be okay, Tali is okay, and they can pick her and Garrus up when ever they want to, and Javik... If Javik ever was not okay, it's something he doubts he'll ever know.

“I love you,” he says, again, wanting it out there now that it cannot be bypassed as just something said in the heat of the moment, and he can feel Kaidan's smile against his skin. “You too. So damn much. I'm just so glad...”

“Yeah, me too.” 

“And tomorrow you won't say this never happened?” Kaidan asks, laughter in his voice.

“As long as you won't regret it.”

“Never.”


End file.
